Jellwagger had always known Valley Presbyterian down on Vanowen and Sepulveda was the closest hospital to him, but he’d never had the opportunity to use it. Once in a blue moon he’d wonder what it was like inside. If you watch enough medical dramas on TV (and there are more than enough), you can’t help but wonder what it’s really like. Thanks to Aaron, the neighborhood criminal, he now had his chance.
Unfortunately, since at any given time he was either delirious with pain or drugged and dozing, this particular Jellwagger didn’t get to see much of the place. Even when he was cogent, Stefania or Grace or one of the nurses was standing over his bed, blocking most of his view. At any rate, the doctors removed the bullet and patched him up well enough and said he was one lucky bastard that the bullet didn’t hit anything important. “But it hurts like a motherfucker,” he said (or thought he said) to one of the doctors or nurses at one point. He didn’t quite catch their response, but he could’ve sworn somebody was being a smartass. They were like, “Well, you were shot.” Or something like that. Jellwagger swore that if he could stand on his own two feet without blinding pain, he’d kick their ass for mocking his situation.
The nurse who brought in a selection of canes sounded an awful lot like that smartass voice from earlier. Jellwagger couldn’t be sure, though. He couldn’t be sure of anything at this point, like how the hell he was going to get to work if he was maimed.
“You’re not maimed,” the nurse said. Had he spoken his thoughts just then? “If that were the case, you’d need more than a cane. Now which one would you like?” Each cane had a different head: Donald Duck, Barbie, and the Purple Teletubby.
“Don’t you have any normal canes?” he asked.
“In my line of work, what’s normal?”
Donald it was then.
Huge gaps of time separated each encounter. After wheeling Jellwagger into a room after the surgery, it took two hours for the nurse to arrive with the canes. Grace and Stefania killed time watching soaps. Jellwagger couldn’t decide which was more painful, the boredom or the gunshot. After another couple hours, a doctor came in, gave Jellwagger a prescription for painkillers, and said he was good to go. Jellwagger could’ve kissed the old man.
“Oh I’m sorry,” he said. He turned back and glared at Jellwagger over his reading glasses. “The police are on their way. They’d like to question you.”
Now he could’ve punched the geezer in the face. Why did he look at Jellwagger like somehow it was his fault? Jesus, what happened to the “Presbyterian” in Valley Presbyterian?
The cops, sure enough, took another couple of hours to get there. Even worse, they arrived just as Jellwagger felt a wave of fatigue wash over him. He suddenly felt like he could sleep for a week if he wanted. What the hell? Did they sneak more dope into his system? What the hell was in this IV drip anyway?
“It’s just to keep you hydrated,” the nurse said when she came in with a uniformed police officer behind her. “Nothing more. Promise.” She flashed a shit-eating grin. “Are you enjoying the Donald Duck cane?”
“Was I talking out loud?” Jellwagger asked.
“Pardon?”
“When you came in just now. Was I talking or just thinking?”
The nurse smiled at the cop. “So this is the patient.”
“Obviously,” the cop said.
“We’ll be outside,” Stefania said. She and Grace made to get up.
“Not so fast, missy,” the cop said.
“Missy?” Grace said.
“I’ll close the door on my way out,” the nurse said. Just before doing so, she threw Jellwagger another diabolical grin. “I hope you love your new cane.”
Jellwagger looked at the closed door while the cop and the girls were talking. “What did she mean by that? What’s wrong with the cane?”
“So that’s the plan,” the cop said. “Who’d like to go first?”
“We get to go?” Jellwagger said.
“I’ll go,” Grace said. She followed the cop out of the room.
“I’m so fucked up.”
Stefania marched up to Jellwagger and held his face in her hands with a look both stony and stern. “We do not rat Aaron out, okay?”
“Where’d everyone go?”
“You weren’t paying attention, were you?”
“I can’t tell if I’m high or exhausted.”
“How’s your leg?”
“I have legs?”
“Then it’s working. Now listen to me. Focus, Jellwagger. He’s questioning us one by one. It’ll be easier for him to tell if we’re lying if our stories are inconsistent. Grace and I were already talking before he showed up. We didn’t know Aaron, okay? It was just some random home invasion. Some guy came in. Hey Jellwagger! Are you listening? Focus on my eyes.”
“God damn, you’re hot. You’re hot and you talk smart.”
“We need to get you home so you can recover. As soon as possible. But that won’t happen if he senses a cover-up.”
“Relax, baby.”
“So we’re cool?”
He tried to kiss her. She was hot, that wasn’t the drugs talking. Stefania turned away and paced in front of the TV. A few minutes went by. Or was it a few hours? At any rate, the cop eventually called her out.
Jellwagger was looking in the TV’s general direction when Grace appeared in front of it. For some reason her blonde cornrows freaked him out. Our man felt sick to his stomach. It must’ve been on his face because Grace picked up the orange juice box from the side table and held the straw to his mouth. He only meant to take a sip, but he had no idea he was this parched. He sucked it down in a few seconds. His eyes weighed a ton. “Thank you.” He fell back into the pillows and closed his eyes. When he opened them, Grace had been replaced by the cop, who was examining the cane.
“This really is a neat cane,” he said. “I loved Donald when I was a kid. He was my favorite. And that’s no lie.”
“You remind me of my dad.”
“He’s a cop?”
“He’s dead.”
“Well then let’s get to it, son.” The cop used Donald’s bill to hang the cane from the hand rail on the side of Jellwagger’s bed. “I’ve talked to your two female associates about what happened this morning, and now I’d like to talk to you.”
“Aaron came in and asked for the money, honey. What do you think?”
“His name was Aaron?” The cop wrote this down.
Shit! If his leg wasn’t so fucked up, he’d’ve kicked his own ass.
“I beg your pardon?”
“What?”
“I didn’t catch what you were saying through all those expletives.”
“I just want to sleep. They said I could go home, didn’t they?”
“How do you know the intruder’s name was Aaron?”
“He told me.”
“You personally?”
“He wanted one of us to take him around the apartment to get all the dough. We played rock paper scissors. I lost.”
“In what context?”
“I’m too tired to understand that question.”
“Why would he tell you his name?”
“All I know is his name’s Aaron.”
“And he shot you when you were alone with him?”
“I can’t remember. I just remember going for his gun. There was a struggle. I heard a firecracker. They always say how gunshots, real gunshots, sound like firecrackers. It’s so true. I had no idea anything serious had happened until my leg felt like it was on fire. You ever been shot?”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I work for Rosamund Powler, one of the oldest and greatest lawyers in Los Angeles.”
“So you’re a practicing attorney?”
“I’m a data entry clerk for the firm’s marketing department. Isn’t it obvious?”
The cop wrote on his notepad for what seemed like forever. Seriously, a game show had just come on when he began writing. And when the show was over, the cop was still scribbling away.
The nurse came back in. Jellwagger never thought he’d be happy to see the sinister glee etched on that gray face. “We need this room now, I’m afraid.”
“More gunshot victims?” Jellwagger said.
“Your friends are waiting for you downstairs.”
Jellwagger didn’t mind the Donald Duck cane after all. While walking down the hall to the elevator, then from the elevator on the ground floor to the entrance, he soon found that Donald’s bill, besides making it easy to hang the cane from surfaces, also made it easy to grip and lean into and thus spare his wounded leg most of his body weight. That nurse was an evil genius.
On the way home in Stefania’s Boxster, Jellwagger wondered if he should tell them he fucked up and gave the cop Aaron’s name.
“Oh fuck me!” Stefania said. “You gave him Aaron’s name?”
“There’s no way I just said that,” Jellwagger said. “I was very careful that my lips weren’t moving while I was thinking that. I think.”
“The drugs make your brain lazy, I guess,” Grace said. She pecked him on the cheek. “Hey look at the bright side, dude. It’s impossible for you to lie. You’re like the most honest person in the world.”
“What else did you tell him?” Stefania said. “Shit, Jellwagger!”
“It’s fine, hottie.” He went over everything he told the cop, how he covered himself after that initial faux pas. That seemed to calm her down, but honestly he was too tired to care. Why the fuck was he protecting Aaron anyway? Jellwagger’s leg would never be the same because of that prick.
“You’ve got a point there,” Stefania said. “But he needs help more than anything. Jail will just make him worse. He’s done time already, you can tell. And look at him. It just makes things worse.”
“Fuck me, we have to stop by the pharmacy, don’t we?” Jellwagger said. “I am so tired. That could take for-fucking-ever.”
“Chill out, bitch,” Grace said. “You’re hitting the sack. I’ll get the meds.”
When they got home, Jellwagger crawled under his comforter and was out for the count before his head hit the pillow. He woke up to a pitch black room and the sounds of at least a dozen people out in his living room chatting and laughing. Part of him knew he should’ve been freaked out. He’d never had more than a couple guests in this place, let alone his bedroom. Grace and Stefania really shattered the record books this weekend. Until now anyway. What in fuck was going on out there?
The other part of him didn’t feel like worrying about it too much. It wasn’t the drugs. The hospital’s dope had worn off for the most part. He could now think about stuff clearly without muttering it inadvertently. No, this new apathy came from the grogginess left over from the long awesome sleep. He lay there for a good half-hour or so just luxuriating in having slept so long. What time was it? His clock read nine twenty-eight. His leg didn’t even feel that bad.
Someone knocked and poked their head in. Before she spoke, Jellwagger caught the unmistakable whiff of Betsy Seth’s perfume. “Psst! Is my favorite data entry clerk awake?”
“Aw shit, man.” Jellwagger smiled. Damn, he sounded awful. “I can’t let you see me like this, Betsy.”
She flicked the light on.
“Fuck!” Jellwagger shielded his eyes with his hands.
Betsy giggled. “Don’t you look snug as a bug in a rug.”
“How’s the man?” came a voice from behind her Jellwagger remembered from a law firm Christmas party eons ago. Danny Seth’s smiling Indian face appeared behind his wife. “Michael Jellwag! Man of the hour! How’s it feel being a hero?”
“Doesn’t he look adorable tucked under the comforter?” Betsy said. “Sorry to do this, Michael, but you do have guests. Your friends said you’ve been asleep for hours.”
“Getting shot takes a lot out of a man,” Danny said.
“Plus I was behind on sleep for I don’t know how many days,” Jellwagger said, massaging his eyes while they slowly adjusted.
Betsy and Danny were now standing by his bed, the former with a glass of white wine, the latter with a bottle of club soda. “Michael, you never mentioned you have trouble sleeping.”
“Who the hell said anything about that? I sleep like a corpse.”
“Then what’s been keeping you up lately?”
Well, let’s see, it all started the night I walked in on Grant getting butt-fucked by Stu Dobkins…
“I…well…I mean…”
“He’s a party animal!” Danny said with a blinding smile. No need to worry about him being a dentist who didn’t practice what he preached. In fact, the Seths had the most perfect teeth Jellwagger had ever seen in his whole life.
“I don’t think people are going to be here much longer, Michael,” Betsy said. “It’s a school night after all. But it’d be nice if you could make a cameo appearance since it is your place and you’re the It guy right now.”
“You get the day off tomorrow too,” Danny said. “How you like them apples, my man?”
“Who cleans your teeth, Danny?” Jellwagger said.
“What’s that, my man?”
“I’ve always wondered that about dentists, ya know?”
Betsy leaned to the side so she could make eye contact with her man. “Christie, I believe.” She made to turn back to Jellwagger before shooting another look at Danny. “Right? Or have you switched?”
Danny squinted at nothing in particular while nodding vaguely. “Yes. It’s been a while, but the last time I believe I used Christie.”
“It was a month ago, and I know it was Christie because your secretary called to confirm the appointment like you were any other patient.”
Jellwagger laughed. “That’s awesome. So you go through that whole thing too. The confirmation call.” He laughed some more.
“Oh it gets better,” Betsy said, not a trace of humor in her adorable face. “She made him the last patient of the day so there’d be no one else in the office.”
“Has it only been a month?” Danny said. “When you’re as busy as me, it seems so much longer.”
“Keeping busy usually makes the time fly, hon. Not drag.” Betsy forced a smile at Jellwagger and shook her head.
“How would you know that if you don’t keep the kind of schedule I do?”
“Hon. I’m head of marketing for a major law firm in downtown Los Angeles.”
“You know where I stand on that.”
“Excuse me?”
“I met Rosamund Powler on Friday,” said Jellwagger. He wasn’t even part of this stupid argument, but it was still exhausting him. Betsy sure did smell great, though. He wouldn’t mind if she stood there all night arguing if he could take in her scent.
“Law firm marketing? That should be illegal. If texting while driving is illegal, how is a lawyer advertising what they do legal? Hm? I want you to tell me.”
Betsy was still sort of turned to her husband, but her eyes and smile were pointed at Jellwagger. She held out her hands and let them drop to her sides. “You’re asking me a rhetorical question when we’re here for Michael.”
Danny smiled at Jellwagger and shook his head. “You see this, my man? Women! When you’re defeating them in an argument, they change the subject and try to make you feel bad for having defended yourself. I was winning, am I right?”
“She even took me to lunch,” Jellwagger said.
Betsy turned and faced her man directly. She and Danny were now in profile to Jellwagger as they stood face to face. “I resent that,” she hissed. “You weren’t winning, you were asking a stupid rhetorical question. Which you always do when we argue.”
“Pizza in Pershing Square. It was nice.”
Danny sighed and shook his head. “Everyone can hear you, babe.”
Jellwagger knew that was nonsense. Betsy’d been talking with a whisper through clenched teeth. So that’s what pure passive aggression looked like. Judging by Betsy’s laser gun look, he’d pressed some of her most exposed and tender buttons.
What Betsy would’ve said—done?—next would always be a mystery, though, as she didn’t get the chance.
“Excuse me please, coming through, here to see the one and only.” An all too familiar bright blonde marched into the room past Betsy and Danny while squeezing a lime wedge into her Corona.
Jellwagger had been in the middle of swallowing when she came in. His spit caught short and made him cough and look like an idiot.
Sergeant Gregory of the Santa Monica Beach Police shook her head in mock exasperation. “Michael Johnson. What are you doing taking a nap when you’ve got guests?”
Jellwagger continued coughing. Sergeant Gregory maintained a smug smile while taking a swig from her beer. Had Jellwagger had enough strength, he’d’ve taken his Donald Duck cane and knocked that smile clear off that cute face.
Betsy hurried around the bed just as Jellwagger was sitting up. She sat down next to him and patted his back. “You okay?”
“Oh come on,” Sergeant Gregory said. “He’s a man. He can take it.”
Danny examined his empty club soda bottle. “I’m off for another. Anyone want anything?”
“I’ll take a screenwriting career, thanks,” Jellwagger said.
Danny gave his wife a shit-eating grin before leaving.
“Thank Christ,” Sergeant Gregory said. “I can finally breathe again. I really shouldn’t ask since it’s not my business—”
“It’s not your business so please don’t,” Betsy said.
“Ooooookay.”
“Michael?”
“I’m fine. I’m getting up now. I need to get dressed.”
“All right, we’ll leave you.” Betsy went to the door and expected Sergeant Gregory to follow.
“He might need help putting on his pants.”
Betsy frowned at Jellwagger, who just shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. “It’s fine. Whatever. I’m too tired to give a flying fuck.”
“I’ll have a beer waiting for you in one of your frosted glasses,” Betsy said. “That’s a really neat idea, Michael. I’m going to have to do that. See you soon.”
Our boy didn’t waste a minute after his boss left. He shot Sergeant Gregory the strongest glare he could muster in his groggy state. It made her laugh. “What the hell are you doing here? Isn’t Van Nuys against your religion?” He grabbed his cane and winced at the sudden rush of daggers in his thigh.
“Michael Johnson, why so sore?”
“Fuck you.” He staggered over to the dresser and yanked out a pair of jeans. One of the cuffs got caught between the drawer and the inside of the dresser. He yanked two more times to no avail. The strain only exacerbated the pain.
Taking another swig, Sergeant Gregory calmly walked over, set the beer down on the dresser, and used both hands to slide the cuff free. Only then did Jellwagger appreciate her hotness. She wasn’t decked out in a dress or a tight skirt or anything that Betsy or Stefania would usually wear. But she wasn’t like Grace either. She wasn’t trying to hide her body. Her shirt was a black long-sleeved button affair tucked into her jeans, which weren’t too tight but were tight enough to show off her shape. Damn, what an ass.
He didn’t snag the jeans from her like he’d originally planned. That furtive look at her body had softened him a bit. Well, not all of him, but you know what I mean. “Seriously, how’d you know where I live?”
“I saw your ID, remember?”
“And you remembered my address?”
“This can’t possibly surprise you, Michael Johnson, but you get a lot of underage drinking on the beach. I check IDs all the time. I can spot all the fake ones. After a while, you develop a knack for remembering names and addresses. I can’t remember every single address, of course, I’m not photographic or anything. But if it’s someone of particular interest, a suspect or a perp, you’ve got to remember.”
“I’m neither of those things.”
“Come on, hurry up. Where are your shirts?” She walked over to the closet and rummaged through our man’s shirts, which were arranged in no particular order. “You mix the casual stuff with the formal stuff? Michael Johnson, please. You need to learn order. Organization.”
“But how’d you know what happened to me?”
She came back over with his plain black shirt he bought at the Gap years ago. “That guy called me. The one from yesterday.”
“Grant?”
“I think he wants you to get laid. He pities you for still being single past thirty.”
Grace knocked on the door before slipping in and closing it behind her. “Hey, we’ll see who’s fucking who.”
“Whom,” Jellwagger said. He sat down on the end of his bed and threw his shirt on first while trying to figure out how the hell he was supposed to put on pants when the slightest movement of his leg was sheer agony. Grace went into his bathroom and opened the mirror cabinet. “Hey Grace, this is Sergeant Gregory.”
“You mean Barbara?” Grace said.
“What?”
“Get with it, Michael Johnson. Grace and I have spent the past two hours getting to know each other while you’ve been masturbating back here.”
“If you were to stop calling me Michael Johnson this very instant, it wouldn’t break my heart.”
Grace took the glass from the sink, crusted with toothpaste on the rim, filled it with water, and walked over to Jellwagger with the glass in one hand and two pills in the other. “These are the only two you’ll need tonight. Take two more in the morning.”
“These’ll just knock me out again, but whatever.” Jellwagger tossed them into his mouth and drank down the toothpaste-flavored water in a single pull. As at the hospital, not until drinking something did he realize how parched he was. Sergeant Gregory thrust a bottle of water in his face. “You’re a mind reader.” He sucked it down in two pulls while Grace got on her knees in front of him and, with hands warmer and softer than Jellwagger appreciated last night, made him extend his bandaged leg. Then she began methodically slipping on the pant leg.
“Look at you, right?” she said. “Beautiful women spoiling you to death.”
“In my line of work, Michael Johnson, you can’t help but pick up a few medical tidbits. I can spot dehydration in people from a mile away.”
“What’s the tell?”
“Your lips for starters. I’m guessing Gracy here forgot to get ChapStick. I mean shit, look at you. If you smile too much, they’ll crack and bleed. Luckily, though…” She pulled out cherry-flavored ChapStick from her breast pocket.
“Damn, Barbara,” Grace said. “You’re like Batman. You have everything you need just when you need it.”
“I keep this in my fanny pack when I’m on duty. I’ve also got some in my purse. Come on, Michael Johnson, we live in a desert.”
“Okay, dude,” Grace said when she was done. “You think you can handle the other one?”
“No, would you please?”
Someone called Jellwagger’s name.
“The mob’s getting restless.”
“Who else is here?”
“Like I guess there’s people from your job. That Grant guy. The hot Latina.”
“And a very large man with balding hair and glasses,” Sergeant Gregory said.
“No fucking way,” Jellwagger said. “No. Fucking. Way.” It couldn’t be. Stu Dobkins? That didn’t make sense at all. Suddenly he had to get out there. If Stu was here, who else…?
Sergeant Gregory and Grace put his shoes on. “So I can call you Barbara? Or Barb?”
“If you behave.”
Fully dressed and Donald Duck cane in hand, Jellwagger was heading for the door when someone knocked. He opened it to find Connie smiling at him with her huge white teeth. For a change her dirty blonde hair was unbound. “Hello, Michael.”
“Connie, what the hell?”
“I thought it would be nice to have everyone here. We can’t find Aaron, by the way. Stacy’s beside herself.”
“How do you think I feel?” Jellwagger peeked over her shoulder to get a look at who all was here. Holy shit, was that Flip?
Neckman, easily the biggest man in the room, spotted Jellwagger over the crowd and gestured at him with his mixed drink. “There’s the man!”
A sea of faces turned. Everyone clapped and cheered.
“Come on, Michael,” Connie whispered as she linked Jellwagger’s arm in hers.
“We’ll talk about this tomorrow, Con. Jesus Christ. I’m not in any shape to…”
“Get out there, Michael Johnson!”
“They’re here for you, dude.”
“Get ready for your It’s a Wonderful Life moment.”
Jellwagger got as far as the doorway to the living room before stopping so he could take in all the faces: Flip, Neckman, Grant, Zach, Betsy, Danny, Stefania, Carla, Azure, Sky, Stu (shit!), and some pot-bellied middle-aged man he didn’t recognize.
“Get the man a beer!” someone shouted.
“Wait a second,” said someone from the kitchen. Into the living room, mixed drink in one hand and a freshly opened Spaten in the other, was Pat Dinner.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Jellwagger said.
“Coming through! Coming through! Whoops, look out there, darling.” Pat cackled as he squeezed through the crowd and took an obvious gander at Betsy’s ass. “My God, Daniel, you might be the luckiest Indian this side of Kashmir.” Suddenly he was in front of our boy here. “Hey hey! Man of the hour! Eat your blue hearts out, LAPD!” He thrust the Spaten into Jellwagger’s hand and clinked it with his glass of Vodka tonic with lime. They each took a sip.
It pained Jellwagger to admit it, but Pat’s little trick worked. The wealthiest prick this side of anywhere had managed to lift his spirits. He didn’t have it in him to thank Pat Dinner. Instead, Jellwagger took another swig of Spaten. God DAMN it tasted good. Those wily Bavarians! Damn that Pat Dinner for making him feel fucking fantastic.
“Jellwagger!” Grant called from across the room.
“Hello there, can you hear us?” Zach said with his hands cupped around his smile. “This is Houston!”
“What was it like to be robbed and shot?”
“My man doesn’t have time to talk about it at the moment,” Pat said. He placed his drink on top of the speaker next to the TV stand and pulled his cell and earpiece from his pocket. Before Jellwagger could say or do anything, Pat plugged the earpiece into our man’s ear and slipped the cell into his pocket. “An important woman in your life is giving you a ring-a-ding-bop.”
“Someone wants to talk to you, Michael,” Connie said. “Here, let him through, everyone. The kitchen will be better.”
“Actually, my room would’ve been best,” Jellwagger said.
“Hello!” a voice shouted in his ear, startling him so that he bumped into Neckman. “Is that you, kiddo?”
“Congratulations, pal,” Neckman said. They shook hands.
“Ow, fuck!” Jellwagger yanked his hand away.
“Hot cane,” Sky said. He probed Donald’s head and bill.
“What the hell are you trying to pull, Neckman?”
“Too strong? Sorry.”
“Jellwagger, who are you talking to?”
“There’s a million people here, Jo. Leave it to you to call me at the single worst possible time.”
“Are you okay?”
“You’ll never know your own strength,” Carla said with a mock scowl at Neckman as she squeezed between her bodyguard and Flip and planted a kiss on our main man’s cheek. “My favorite stalker’s a hero now. Go figure. Other people wanted to come but had to be turned away.”
“Who the hell would that be?” Jellwagger said.
Flip made a show of clearing his throat. “Apparently this young man you defeated today was a real terror to this building.”
“Leave it to one of my ex’s goons to be a drama queen.”
“A lot of your neighbors wanted to be here, big guy,” Neckman said.
“Apparently the Van Nuys folk are not up to the standards of the Madam,” Flip said.
Just as Sky came up to him, Jellwagger saw Pat pick his drink back up and wash down a couple pills with it.
“Can I see that cane for a sec?” Sky said. He grabbed it without waiting for an answer. “Just for a sec. Hey Grace, you see this?”
“It’s hot, right?”
“Hey Grant, Zach!” Sky disappeared to the other side of the room with Jellwagger’s cane.
“Sky! Shit!”
“You’re not drinking, are you, kiddo?” Jo said.
“Guys, clear a path! Carla, make yourself useful and help me through.”
Carla couldn’t help giggling. She gave him her arm and helped him to the kitchen. Chump E. Chips was on the other side of the table, in the corner by the sliding balcony door, munching on a rather large bone that still had some bits of beef left on it. “Patrick brought that over.” She giggled again.
“Jellwagger, are you drinking? If you’re taking prescription meds for your leg, you shouldn’t be mixing it with alcohol.”
Jellwagger took in Carla for the first time. Damn was she gorgeous in that dark violet dress or what? Why wasn’t she an escort? She could’ve made a killing. That’s when he noticed Stefania pretending to look at the cane with Sky, Grant, and Zach while shooting the evil eye at Carla. Shit, Jellwagger had completely forgotten about their rift. As if this whole fucking party wasn’t awkward enough.
“You’re safe in here, okay, bitch?” Carla said after helping him to the counter next to the fridge. “I’ll keep them at bay.”
“For the record, I wish I’d never met you.”
“You like it and you know it.”
“Who are you talking to?”
Jellwagger took a long pull from his Spaten while Carla walked out. What an ass. She turned back to him. He didn’t give a shit if she saw him checking her out. Judging by her smile, neither did she. “Since when did you call him Patrick? I thought it was Pale Cock.” She disappeared around the corner.
“Did you just say Pale Cock?”
“Jo, how could you possibly be surprised that I’m drinking right now? Have you any idea what I’ve been through today? Fuck that. The last week? Including you flying over here to fuck Pat Dinner in my apartment?”
“You had to bring that up.”
“I will never let you live that down.”
“He’s actually pretty hot in the sack.”
“I really didn’t need to hear that.”
“I know, right? Sorry.” She sniggered.
“Wait a sec, Jo. Are you drunk?”
“Come on, kiddo, this is your big sister here, right? Two glasses of Chardonnay? That’s piss in the wind to a Jersey girl.”
“So let’s see. In Jersey it’s around midnight now. And you’re up drinking. You okay?”
“Me? You’re the one who got your dumbass shot. Where were you shot, by the way? All I know is that Pat calls me a few minutes ago and tells me you were shot but that you’re okay and stop panicking yada yada yada. So what’s the deal for real?”
Jellwagger told her the whole sordid affair but left out the two women. Nor did he try to make out like he was a hero. He’d have to talk with Stefania and Grace about what they’d told everyone.
“Holy shit, right? Who was that fucker?”
“I told you. His mom lives here.” He thought about what Stefania said to Aaron this morning. “I feel kind of bad for him.”
“What?”
“Think about it, Jo. He’s like a lost soul or something. Makes me feel, well, not quite so shitty about my own situation.” He finished off the Spaten. “Fuck yes, that’s awesome.” He slammed the empty bottle on the counter and opened the fridge for another.
“What is this, kiddo? A bid for sainthood?”
“I think you had a point about not mixing the brewskies with the painkillers.” He grabbed the Guinness bottle magnet from the fridge, which had an opener at the bottom, and used it to pop open his Spaten. “Because I am feeling fucking awesome.” He took a pull from it just as Azure came into view. She walked over to Chump E. Chips and got down to play with him. Chump growled. “Pardon me, Azure. I’m afraid no amount of baby talk’s going to convince Chump you’re not there to take his bone.”
“Who are you talking to?”
“Damn, those titties are huge. Jo, you should see this.”
“Dude!” Azure said, peeking over the table at Jellwagger with a smile mixed with bemusement.
“Hate to burst your bubble, Ms. Ekmejian. While that is a nice blouse, no amount of fabric can deny the sweater meat that nature has blessed you with.”
“I should go now, right?”
“Oh Jo, don’t be silly.”
Azure was now rubbing Chump’s ears and baby-talking him while he worked on his bone and licked Azure’s hands in turn. “I knew you didn’t mean to growl at me. You’re such a good boy.”
“What the fuck? Chump E. Chips has never let me pet him while eating a bone. Never!”
“Hey Michael?” Connie appeared.
Jellwagger took another swig. His head was already swimming. Jo was more right than she knew, but Jellwagger had no desire to cede any points to her. No way. This was his night. “Connie, has anyone ever told you how cute you are?”
“Time to cut the fuckin’ cord, dude,” Azure said.
“Okay, Jo, it pains me to say this, but I must depart. I urge you to go to bed soon.”
“How many people are there?”
“You remember my senior prom? Even more than that.”
“You didn’t go to your prom. You didn’t have a date.”
“Below the belt, Josephine.”
“Sorry to interrupt, Michael, I really am.” Connie smiled and tried to make light of whatever was obviously bugging her. Jellwagger had known her long enough that her crossing her arms betrayed her no matter how much she smiled.
“Bye, Jellwagger!”
“Until next time, Jo Bob. Same bat time, same bat channel.” He took another swig while squinting in amazement at Azure’s having completely gained Chump’s trust. Look at that. Now the pooch was on his back letting her rub his tummy, his bone an afterthought.
“People are asking about you so I was wondering if you could come out now.”
“I am out now, Con. Pat called Jo. She’s my sister. I love her. Wow, did I just say that?”
“Yes I understand, but you do have a lot of guests and I want to be sure you at least make an appearance because I’m sure they’re causing a disturbance for the tenants. Know what I mean?”
“But you invited everyone. Your fuckup, not mine.”
“Right, but you do have guests and I wanted to be sure you had support. I appreciate what you did, Michael, it will make a big difference.”
Jellwagger closed his eyes and moaned louder than he’d intended as he polished off the Spaten.
“How many have you had, Michael?”
Jellwagger opened the fridge for another.
“Okay I’m not so sure that’s wise.”
He grabbed the Guinness bottle magnet and popped it open. “Last one, I promise.”
“Okay you’ve ignored your guests long enough. We let you sleep a long time, we let you talk to your sister…”
Whether or not it was the booze, Jellwagger felt positively weirded out by how Connie could grill him while maintaining her smile. That weird feeling cooked his blood with indignation. “Con, what the fuck, man? You invited these people. Not me. I was shot. Get it? I am in no shape to host a fucking party. I had a hard time when it was just you and Kit the other night. Suddenly, the same day I’m shot, I’m supposed to entertain all these fucking people?”
Sky appeared holding up the cane. “Sorry, sweetie. You want this back?” If Jellwagger wasn’t so pissed off, he’d’ve been happy to see Sky smiling through his beard in his fuchsia getup.
“How am I supposed to do that, Con?”
“I don’t think it’s asking too much just to—”
“How would you fucking know? You have no idea what a four-alarm bitch of a week I’ve had.”
“Oh my,” Sky said. “I’ll come back.”
“What…?” Jellwagger shook his hands at Connie. Some Spaten splashed onto her T-shirt. “Look at you, you’re wearing one of those cruddy shirts you always wear when you’re cleaning the courtyard or whatever. You organize this fucking party but can’t even dress for it? And I’m the one not in the spirit of things?”
Connie grabbed his free hand with both of hers. “Michael, I’m sorry. Okay? I know you don’t have many friends so I asked those two girls who came back with you and they thought it was a good idea.”
“So you’re blaming them?”
“It’s my fault. Okay, Michael? But people are here, you should make an appearance. Just for a few minutes and I’ll help you shoo them away.”
“And help me clean up.”
“It’s a deal. By the way, where is Kit? I liked her.”
“Jellwagger!” Jo shouted in his ear.
Jellwagger shook with a start. More beer sloshed out. “What the fuck!”
“Go easy on your landlady. Her intentions are pure.”
Jellwagger heard the pouring of wine in the background.
“You forgot to hang up, kiddo. But you said you loved me. I’m touched. I really am.”
He fumbled for the cell in his pocket.
Connie saw what was wrong and cracked up. She took the cell, hung up, and took the piece out of Jellwagger’s ear. “I’ll give this to Pat.” She cracked up some more on her way out of the kitchen.
Azure continued rubbing Chump’s tummy while peeking over the table at our man again. “You’re on, dude.”
Jellwagger started for the living room.
“Wait!” Azure stood up and scanned the crowd. “Who’s got the cane?”
“Those painkillers are fucking amazing. I barely feel a fucking thing. Seriously, Azure, check it out.” Even in his plastered state, Jellwagger knew he’d pay for this tomorrow morning, but he was still too pissed off at Connie to give a shit. He needed to get these people out of here.
By the time he reached the living room, not even the pills and the beer could camouflage the pain. Jellwagger held onto the wall partition and tried to give his best shit-eating grin. “Hello, all!”
“Hey dudes in the corner!” Azure said.
Sky held up the cane like a trophy. “Look out, everyone! Here comes Mr. Duck to Jellwagger’s rescue!” He hurled the cane threw the air like a javelin. Donald’s head smacked Jellwagger square in the forehead. He would’ve fallen over if not for that partition. Sky rushed over. “Sweetie, I’m so sorry. You okay?”
Jellwagger should’ve been pissed, but he’d already dumped all his anger onto Connie. He patted Sky on the shoulder and laughed his ass off.
“You’re okay?” Sky said with a wide smile. “You’re all right, you’re a tough kid.”
What an idiot. How’d he take it if Jellwagger bopped him in the head with Donald? Jellwagger finally regained control and took a long pull from his Spaten. Azure picked up the cane and brought it over.
“Hey everyone! My landlady Connie the Danish Wonder has invited you all here. I’m not sure I should thank you for accepting her invitation, but part of me feels I should be grateful to you for spending your Sunday night at my piece-of-shit apartment.”
Azure rubbed his shoulder and whispered, “Chill, Jellwagger.”
“This gal with the unnaturally large breasts is telling me I’ve had too much to drink. That may be true. You’re not supposed to mix prescription painkillers with booze.” He spotted Pat where he’d left him, standing next to Grace and Stefania by the hallway door. “But Mr. Pat Dinner does it all the time. Doesn’t seem to fuck him up.”
Pat raised his glass. “Been doing it for years.” He cackled. “I’ve built up a resistance.” He cackled some more.
“But I’m not so fucked up that I forgot to thank you. So thank you.” With a momentary lucidity he took in the room. In spite of himself, he felt some tears coming. “Oh fuck this. I’m not crying in front of everyone. Grant! Get over here. Say something crazy to distract me.”
“On my way, sir.”
Everyone clapped and turned back to their conversations. Along with Grant came Zach, Stu, and the potbellied man.
“Michael Johnson Jellwag!” Stu said. He sucked in a huge amount of air as he shook Jellwagger’s hand and gave him a salute.
And this is where Jellwagger lost control. Once he began laughing, there was no looking back.
“Nice to see you’re okay, amigo,” Zach said, patting and rubbing Jellwagger’s shoulder.
For whatever reason, even that gesture cracked Jellwagger up.
“You’re feeling better, I see.” Zach laughed a little and looked at Grant, who shrugged.
“Jellwagger, this is Rufus,” Grant said, indicating the potbellied man.
“And that’s…” Jellwagger fought to regain control. “That’s supposed to mean something?”
“We’re leaving, Michael,” said Betsy, suddenly in front of Jellwagger with Danny’s arms wrapped around her waist from behind. He pecked her head and neck with kisses in spite of her not very sincere attempts to stop him. “You’ll take the week off, right? Grant can cover for you.”
Jesus, had she and the dentist made up in a hurry or what? The sheer absurdity of it made Jellwagger laugh even harder. Everything just seemed so fucking ridiculous, and the sight of Stu’s massive, bespectacled, balding form, coupled with the image of him and Grant having sex in the office, wasn’t helping.
“Hey amigo,” Zach said, no longer laughing. In fact, he looked a little perturbed. “Rufus is the drummer we saw last night at 321.”
“How ya doin’, man?”
“A whole week?” Jellwagger said, wiping the tears away. “Betsy, that’s…” He strained to hold it, but it was proving too hard. Any minute now… “Are you sure, Betsy? I feel bad for Grant.”
“Stop it!” Betsy giggled at Danny.
“Let’s get out of here,” Danny whispered in her ear.
“Please do take the week off, Michael. I insist.”
“Me too,” Grant said.
“Okay gotta run.”
“Take care, boss.” Just as they left, Jellwagger added, “Take care, you lucky dentist fuck.” He laughed some more.
“Whoa!” Grant said. “Be careful, Jellwagger.”
“I don’t get it, what’s so funny?” Zach said.
With another moment of lucidity came the stark view of Grant, Stu, and Zach all together in front of the one man who held the secret of doom over them. In his present state, Jellwagger didn’t have the strength to hold onto it anymore. “I can’t. Believe. He’s here.”
“Que?” Zach said.
Grant wore his trademark stoic caged-teeth look, which pushed Jellwagger over the edge.
“Fuck me,” Jellwagger said. “No, not me. You. The two of you. Un-fucking-believable. He fucks you. And you bring him with you. This doesn’t make sense!”
Zach looked at Grant. “What’s he saying?”
Jellwagger collapsed onto the carpet.
Grant stormed out.
“Come on, Grant! He would’ve found out sooner or later!”
“You?” Zach glared at Stu.
“You all enjoy your evenings. I must depart.” Stu headed out.
“I’d say that’s my cue as well,” Rufus said. “Take care, happy people.”
“You knew about this and didn’t say anything? While we were having dinner last night…?”
Jellwagger felt suddenly sober for the long moment Zach glared at him.
“What the fuck, Jellwagger?” Azure said.
“Smooth move, honey,” Sky said.
Zach headed for the door. “Grant! Stu!”
“Take it easy, my man, take it easy,” Sky said, following Zach out the door.
Azure pulled Jellwagger to his feet. Suddenly the remaining guests surrounded him. “What the fuck were you thinking, Jellwagger?”
“Now I don’t feel so bad about messing up,” Connie said.
“You humiliated that nice couple in front of everyone. You’ve had too much to drink. You shouldn’t be drinking at all.”
The room went dead quiet, the air sucked out along with the guests. Neckman shook his head at Jellwagger on his way out. Flip followed. He frowned as if Jellwagger had grown a second head.
“Beyond the pale,” Stefania said. “People come together for you, and this is what you do.”
“Connie, don’t help the stupid shit clean up,” Azure said.
“Grace?” Jellwagger said. She couldn’t make eye contact.
“Let’s go,” Stefania said. She linked her arm in Grace’s and led her away.
Connie managed a small smile before leaving with Azure. “Good night, Michael.”
“Guys, come on,” Jellwagger said. “Zach would’ve found out.”
“That wasn’t the way to do it,” Azure said.
They left the door open.
“But I was shot! Give me a break here!”
Grace reappeared in the doorway with a glare that would’ve felled a Stegosaurus. “I thought you couldn’t feel it anymore.” She disappeared.
Jellwagger collapsed onto the recliner. What the fuck just happened? And where was Donald Duck? Chump E. Chips had resumed working on the bone. Jellwagger turned to the pooch in a vain effort to cheer himself up. Actually it wasn’t the bone. That chewing sound was Chump going to town on the cane.
And then our man heard something else, something from his bedroom. No, not something. Someone. Two people, in fact. Chump stopped chewing and looked up at his master. Jellwagger and his loyal Beagle just stared at each other while listening to the unmistakable sounds of Carla Houde and Pat Dinner having sex.
To be continued...
