I have to admit I’m not really liking Jellwagger right now. I mean look at that lucky son of a bitch with that smug smile pasted on his sleeping face from a full night’s fucking of two hot chicks. Damn him as he lies there on his back with Stefania curled up under one arm and Grace under the other.
Make no mistake, the gals didn’t make it easy. Every woman knows that every guy fantasizes about two women at once. Stefania made her living exploiting male fantasies. She’s had quite a few three-ways. Granted, some of them were just going through the motions for a well-paying customer. She had become quite the actress that way. Why she never tried her hand at real acting is beyond me. Sometimes she’d actually enjoy the other woman. Stefania and one of her Just Because colleagues would go out on an assignment, do their thing for Johnny Millionaire, and decide they enjoyed each other’s company—and more importantly, their bodies—enough to go home and go at each other for real.
Grace, in stark contrast, was a terrible actress. As Jellwagger learned last night, she was all about wearing—or was it piercing?—her emotions on her Salvation Army camouflage jacket sleeve. Of course that also meant she was one of those people who went after what they wanted without any care of the consequences. She decided, for whatever inexplicable reason, that she wanted Jellwagger. And the rest, as they say…
Make no mistake, the gals didn’t make it easy. Every woman knows that every guy fantasizes about two women at once. Stefania made her living exploiting male fantasies. She’s had quite a few three-ways. Granted, some of them were just going through the motions for a well-paying customer. She had become quite the actress that way. Why she never tried her hand at real acting is beyond me. Sometimes she’d actually enjoy the other woman. Stefania and one of her Just Because colleagues would go out on an assignment, do their thing for Johnny Millionaire, and decide they enjoyed each other’s company—and more importantly, their bodies—enough to go home and go at each other for real.
Grace, in stark contrast, was a terrible actress. As Jellwagger learned last night, she was all about wearing—or was it piercing?—her emotions on her Salvation Army camouflage jacket sleeve. Of course that also meant she was one of those people who went after what they wanted without any care of the consequences. She decided, for whatever inexplicable reason, that she wanted Jellwagger. And the rest, as they say…
Lord knows Jellwagger needed more women like Grace in his life. Seriously, as the past fourteen episodes have demonstrated in spades (and clubs, hearts, and diamonds), our main man here was absolutely terrible with women. That’s why I can’t help feeling a little pissed off that he’s now scored with two hotties, one of them a high-priced escort who didn’t charge him a God damned dime. Anyway, Grace was just the ticket. The more go-get-‘em-type women he could meet, the better for his fragile manhood.
Tied in with Grace’s naked emotions was her bisexuality. She’d had women before. Her first love was a girl in college. Like a lot of first loves, Grace thought she’d be the love of her life. What this girl had neglected to mention was that she’d just been experimenting. Bi-curious, as they say. Grace swore off women after that. But like a lot of vows, it didn’t take. She dated one guy, then left him for his sister. Let’s not even go there.
Suffice it to say Grace had been around the block with both sexes, but she’d only had one three-way before last night. So like Jellwagger, you had some awkward moments. As a former nun, Stefania was very patient and forgiving with their shortcomings and their short comings. She hadn’t been very forgiving when she stole Jellwagger’s virginity, but she’d been going through a rough patch with Just Because, as she only just told Jellwagger last night when she showed up on his balcony. Now that she’d quit Just Because, all the stress had slid off. Stefania hadn’t really quit, though. She thought she had. But trust me.
Another thing about being a former nun was that it made Saturday night action kind of tough. And as an escort, Saturday was when she saw the most action. Saturday itself wasn’t tough, but it meant she’d likely wake up in a stranger’s bed the following morning. That’s what killed her. For the first chunk of her life, Sundays were sacred days, when the public would leave their sins and troubles at home and worship Stefania’s God. Sundays were the day of rest, too, but Carla never let her girls rest. Stefania never got used to it.
The three of them had been at each other until four in the morning, but Stefania woke up early anyway. She knew she couldn’t function without eight hours’ beauty sleep, which is why she kicked herself for waking up at nine-thirty. Even though she knew it’d be futile, Stefania closed her eyes and tried to will three hours of sleep to happen. She could never put it together that forcing it never worked. You had to let your eyes stay open as long as possible, and they’d close on their own, that was the trick.
Speaking of eyes, when Jellwagger opened his at eleven-thirty, Stefania had given up a few minutes before and was in the shower. Grace wasn’t there either.
It’s nice to see the disappointment on his face, isn’t it? Unfortunately, as the author of this story, I already know he had nothing to worry about. Grace was still there. In fact, neither of them had plans to leave anytime soon, which would ultimately save his life.
When Jellwagger walked into the bathroom to drain his fit-to-burst bladder, he could see Stefania through the frosted glass scrubbing furiously all over her body with a thickly lathered washcloth. He stood over the toilet and squinted in fascination at the smokin’ hot escort for the half-minute or so it took to drain it. For starters, he was just fascinated he had a hot escort in his shower right now. That was pretty cool. For another…what the hell was she getting at with the whole Lady Macbeth routine?
Jellwagger’s fascination made him forget what flushing the toilet would do. Stefania was bent over, going over the tops of her feet, when she practically flew into the back of the stall at the water’s sudden scorch. “Stupid shit!”
Jellwagger tucked Junior back into his boxer briefs while staring at that gorgeous Nordic figure. The glass may have been frosted, but he had no problem discerning every inch of her. He put his hands on his hips and shook his head. Damn, look at that steaming morsel. Had he really had some of that last night? Sure, she’d fucked him before, but last night was a real breakthrough. And Jellwagger had her to thank for it. Why couldn’t he talk? He should’ve at least apologized, or said thank you for making him a man.
Before he could untie his tongue, Stefania slid open the door and stuck her head out. Look how cute she looked with her flat wet hair. “Do you mind, Jellwagger?”
“Your back must be filthy.”
She slid the door shut and resumed scrubbing. “Close the door on your way out please.”
Please? What the hell had gotten into her?
“Hey Chump,” Jellwagger called as he walked out into the living room. Where was the little squirt? Since when did he deviate from sleeping on the recliner? “Chump E. Chips. What’s the score, fur ball?”
“In here, dude,” Grace said from the kitchen.
“WTF?” Jellwagger said.
“Did you just say WTF?”
Jellwagger rounded the corner into the kitchen to find Grace standing on a ladder drawing on the ceiling with crayons. Chump was licking his nuts contentedly, stopping now and again to sniff them before lapping them some more.
Jellwagger could only stand there and frown at the scene. Eventually Chump had his nut-full and turned to his master, panting with his foamy tongue lolling out the side. Grace wasn’t quite finished her masterpiece, but she’d done enough that Jellwagger could make out it was a giant phallus. The pale blue German helmet started where the ceiling met the cupboards, the orange shaft spanned the length of the ceiling, and the red nut sack ended at the wall the kitchen shared with the living room. Grace was very diligently flourishing the sack with wavy brown lines of pubic hair.
“Got the ladder from your landlady,” Grace said.
“That’s not what I was going to ask.”
“Connie, right? And I met some of your neighbors. You’ve got a lot of nice people here, dude. You’re lucky. My douche bag landlord tried raising the rent twice on me in the same year. What are you paying for this place? I’m guessing twelve hundred.”
“Not even a thousand.”
“What? For two bedrooms and two bathrooms?”
“You didn’t run into Aaron, did you? Blonde kid, drugged out of his skull, sometimes sleeps out front?”
“You know him? I thought he was just some…I dunno.”
“He’s got a pistol.”
She frowned at the pube she’d just drawn, wetted her thumb, rubbed some of it out, and redrew it to make it wavier. “I hope he gets help soon. Addiction’s a disease. Oh don’t get me started.”
“So back to the giant cock on my ceiling…”
She turned to him for the first time and smiled. Damn, was she cute or what? Those teeth were blinding. Only then did Jellwagger notice she was wearing one of his New Jersey Devils T-shirts, which obviously looked a lot better on her. “You like?”
Jellwagger was about to be harsh, but that blasted smile ruined it. “Like… Well…”
“Come on, be honest.”
“It’s…”
Grace went back to the pubes. “Anyway it’s not done. After this I need to do the pre-cum like on my sculpture.”
“D’uh.”
“You can never practice too much. That’s why I keep a box of crayons with me at all times.”
“Anybody else want coffee?” Stefania asked as she shuffled into the kitchen with a towel wrapped around her head and wearing one of Jellwagger’s dress shirts and a pair of his jeans. Both Jellwagger and Grace said they’d love some.
“Bottom right drawer in the fridge,” Jellwagger said.
Stefania pulled out the bag of Tully’s house blend, gave it a shake, and glared at Jellwagger.
“Oh shit, I’m out?” our man said. “That’s what happens when you only make coffee at home on the weekends. I usually swear by the Starbucks thermoses Powell and Powler have in their kitchen.”
“This is bullshit, Jellwagger,” Stefania said. “I can’t believe you’d let me spend the night here without having coffee.”
“Silly, I know. How could I not have foreseen that I’d be taking a Filipina home to have a three-way with an escort? I’m so stupid sometimes.”
“I’m not an escort anymore.”
“I wanted to ask you about that.”
“There’s a Starbucks near here, isn’t there?” Grace said.
“How would you know?” Jellwagger asked.
“Dude, they’re everywhere. You could be in fucking Mongolia, and there’d be a Starbucks right down by the yak farm.”
“I almost never go to Starbucks or any of those other fancy cafés,” Jellwagger said. “I did go last week, though. It confused the shit out of me. The names they come up with.”
“I’ll go,” Stefania said. “I need a venti black eye.”
“See what I mean?”
“I’ll take a grande macchiato,” Grace said.
“You two could be talking in Swahili right now and I’d be getting just as much out of this conversation. How about this? I’ll take coffee. You think they can swing that?”
“You need money, Stef?”
“You want to take Shitty Shitty Bang Bang?”
“Grace, I’m cool with the money. Jellwagger, I wouldn’t be caught dead in that thing you call a car. Besides, I’ve got my Boxster. Now where’s the Starbucks?”
“Two miles from here. Victory and Coldwater.”
“You’re kidding. I fucked a guy who lives near there.”
“I thought you only did rich dudes.”
“NoHo’s got some nice parts.”
“Just be careful with Aaron, okay? Seriously. Hopefully he’s still sleeping.”
Jellwagger wasn’t sure if Stefania heard him. All she said before walking out was, “See you in a few.”
“Come on, Chump, let’s go walk.”
The pooch didn’t move.
“That’s a first.”
“I already walked him,” Grace said, now fully engrossed in the pubic hair.
Jellwagger put his hands on his hips and looked around. “Let’s see. After taking Chump for a walk, I’d make some coffee. But Stefania’s already taking care of that. I could also read the paper. But I’d really rather write. It seems like forever since I touched Exit the Danish.”
“Well…” Grace’s hand was a blur as she continued adding more brown squiggles. “Don’t get too involved in anything. I’m almost done here. Then we’re gonna fuck.”
“You mean when Stefania comes back?”
Grace finished the last pube and took a couple steps down to get a look at her opus. “Okay. Next I’ll do the pre-cum. But first…” She put the crayon back in the box on top of the ladder and climbed down. “Get over here, Jellwagger.”
“I should probably shower.”
“You ever fuck on a ladder before?”
“Let’s see what Dilbert and Charlie Brown are up to. Where’s the paper?”
“Hey Chump,” Grace said, leaning over and smiling at Chump as if talking to a baby. “Chump E. Chips. Why don’t you head into Jellwagger’s den for a while?”
Chump, who’d been curled up on the kitchen floor, lifted his head and looked at Grace.
Jellwagger laughed. “Good luck with that.”
“I know it’s not where you usually hang out, but Daddy and his friend need some private time.”
“I still talk to him like a human, but I’ve long since given up expecting any reaction.”
“Just for a few minutes.” She cupped her hands around her mouth and whispered, “Daddy doesn’t last very long during private time.”
Chump E. Chumps got up and jerked his head a few times from side to side the way dogs do. And then, while Jellwagger’s mouth fell open, the little Beagle tap-tapped across the tiles and out of sight.
“No way.” Jellwagger walked into the living room just in time to see Chump E. Chips disappear into the den.
“Hey,” Grace said. “Come here.”
“How did you…?”
Grace took him by the hand and pulled him over to the ladder and made him sit on one of the rungs. She took off the Devils T-shirt by pulling it wide and sliding it down the length of her body. It became padding for when she got down on her knees.
“Seriously, Grace, how…?”
With a hot Filipina going down on him, you’d think Jellwagger wouldn’t give a shit about his dog’s intelligence. For the first minute or so of Grace’s head bobbing up and down, Jellwagger strained to wrap his brain around how in hell Chump E. Chips could’ve known what Grace was telling him. Just getting him to sit and stay seemed like rocket science. He and Chump needed to have a talk… “OW! What the fuck!”
“Pay attention.”
“You bit me.”
“I’ll bite the fucking thing off if you don’t stop fucking around.”
“You mean if I do stop fucking around.”
She went back to work. And just in case you thought Jellwagger was a total lost cause, have no fear. Soon enough he was, as they say, in the moment.
“Not bad,” Grace said when she came up for air. “Three minutes. You’re improving.”
“You were timing me?”
“And now…” Grace slipped off her panties. “Something you didn’t do nearly enough of last night.” She used the bit of rung available to either side of Jellwagger to climb up until her pussy hovered above his face. And then, yes, she curtsied.
Jellwagger was one of those guys who didn’t mind scuba diving to make the woman happy. This was the first time he wasn’t in control of it, though. At first it was no big deal, but after Grace came, she didn’t let him come up for air. She came two more times before finally straightening up.
“Hell yeah, dude.” She caught her breath. “You’ve got skills.” She looked down to make sure his cock was still hard. “Perfect.”
Grace straddled Jellwagger and thrust for a few seconds before smacking him.
“I’m focused,” he said.
“My hips can’t do all the work.”
“Oh shit,” he said once he obeyed. “Damn. Fuck.”
“Isn’t that better? Just keep holding it, okay?”
“Why?”
She smiled.
“Come on, tell me.”
Without missing a beat with her hips, Grace wrapped her arms around Jellwagger’s neck and planted his mouth with a long, deep, tongue-mingling kiss. And then she abruptly pulled both her mouth and her vagina away at the same time. “And now…” She turned around and arched her back so that her crack met his cock. Jellwagger wasn’t necessarily against backdoor action. He’d just never done it before, and hadn’t planned on checking that off his to-do list this very moment. His bafflement threatened his erection, which Grace must’ve sensed because she reached behind and jerked him off.
“Come on, Jellwagger,” she said while playing with herself with her other hand. “Get in there.”
“Won’t it hurt?”
“In!”
“What should I…?”
“Here.” She stopped jerking and wrapped her whole hand around his shaft to better control its entry.
It was awkward as hell at first, but Jellwagger found that if he just didn’t look down, all was well.
Grace alternated between moaning and screaming. Jellwagger really wanted to enjoy this as much as she did. He sort of did like it after a while, but he couldn’t get out of his mind the image of where his cock was right now. He tried looking at the ceiling, but Grace’s giant crayon phallus didn’t exactly help matters.
And that’s when they heard the front door open.
Jellwagger was about to pull out, but Grace’s hand wouldn’t have it. “It’s just Stefania,” she could barely say through gritted teeth. “Fuck!”
“Hey!” came an all-too familiar voice.
Which didn’t belong to Stefania.
Into view came Stefania, a cardboard tray of three Starbucks beverages in her hands. And behind her, the owner of the “Hey!” The only person Jellwagger knew who always used that as his greeting.
“I’m sorry, Jellwagger,” Stefania said.
Aaron stood directly behind her, his blond flattop head squinting over her shoulder in both disgust and awe. “No fucking way!”
“Fuck me,” Jellwagger said, pulling out while Grace straightened up.
“Were you just getting her in the ass, yo?” Aaron cracked up.
“Stef?”
“He’s got a gun,” Stefania said with a calm that contrasted Aaron’s hysterics.
Jellwagger caught glimpses of the little revolver Aaron had yesterday. Also like yesterday, the nut was obviously under the influence of something.
Grace covered herself and started for the living room.
Aaron regained his composure in a flash. His arm shot erect, his face went straighter than the drywall, and the muzzle hovered less than a foot from Grace’s blonde dreads.
No one could move or breathe.
Jellwagger got over his embarrassment in no time. He was officially sick of this bullshit. “Come on, Grace.” He walked up and put his arm around her and made to lead her away when Aaron cocked the hammer. His eyes went wide, and he started sucking hard on air. Was that sweat breaking out on his forehead?
“Dude,” he could barely say through the coarse breathing. “If you and the chink fucking move another inch, I will paint the walls with your fucking brains. Do you fucking understand? I said do you fucking understand, asshole?”
“Chink?” Grace said.
“Let’s worry about the racial politics later,” Jellwagger said.
“No one’s ever called me a fucking chink! What is this, an after-school special?”
Aaron shook his gun-toting arm. It seemed he wanted to hit Grace over the head with the weapon, but at the same time he didn’t seem willing to step out from behind Stefania. So instead he vented his frustration by bopping Stefania on the side of the head with the butt of the pistol. She would’ve fallen to the ground if he hadn’t caught her. Aaron must’ve been much stronger than his wiry frame suggested. He held Stefania’s barely conscious form in one arm while keeping the other erect with the gun jabbing to and from Jellwagger and Grace.
“What the fuck do you want?” Jellwagger asked.
“I want every penny in this fucking place,” Aaron said. “Including the credit cards, you Hershey sack fucker.”
“Why?”
“Why are you a Hershey sack fucker? That’s between you and the chink.”
“What the fuck is your problem?”
“My problem? Look at you, you chocolate-peckered weirdo. You’re the one who got caught sodomizing your maid.”
“Fuck you!” Grace said.
“Guess again.”
Before Jellwagger knew what the perp was doing, Aaron pulled a crumpled baggie out of his shorts and leaned over the table to untangle it. That, of course, meant putting his pistol down. Jellwagger, Grace, and Stefania shot glances at each other. The prick was unarmed. Wasn’t this their chance to seize this day gone to hell?
With one arm still wrapped tightly around Stefania’s waist, Aaron sprinkled some of the white powder along the table and then organized it into lines courtesy of the birthday card from Jo standing nearby. He yanked a straw from one of the coffees and used it to snort.
Jellwagger hated himself for hesitating, but it didn’t last long. That look Stefania was giving him right now was enough to start an earthquake. Jellwagger headed out of the kitchen and was already past Aaron, past the couch, planning what he’d do when he came back out here fully clothed, when he heard Aaron say: “Asshole?”
Jellwagger stopped and took several seconds to turn around. Aaron had picked up the pistol and was training the muzzle on Jellwagger’s sweat-dripping nose.
“Unless you’re going to get my money, I can’t think—”
“Both of you,” Jellwagger said to Stefania and Grace. “Come with me.”
Aaron looked baffled.
“Come on,” our man went on. “Back to my room. I need to get dressed. Grace, so do you. Let’s figure this out.”
Aaron opened his mouth to say something when Jellwagger smacked him in the forehead with the butt of his fist. Aaron’s head jerked back and then shot forward before straightening out, his bony neck like a spring.
“Hey dick,” Jellwagger said. “Are you saying we can’t cover ourselves but that you can stand there like a retard? That can’t be what you’re trying to say.”
Aaron smacked Jellwagger across the head with the pistol. The blow felt much harder than the clumsy movement suggested.
“Jellwagger!” one of the women yelled, he wasn’t sure who.
The world spun, but it wasn’t so bad if Jellwagger squeezed his eyes shut. Before he could stop them, his legs were giving in, as if the pain racking his skull sapped all their energy. Jellwagger collapsed to the carpet with one hand holding him propped up while the other massaged his temple. “Mother. Fucker.” Aaron kicked his arm out from under him and then kicked him in the ribs. Jellwagger curled up and kept his eyes shut.
“Stop!” By the sound of things, either Stefania and/or Grace were holding Aaron back.
“Get the fuck off me!” Aaron shouted. “You want some of this?”
“Get out of here!”
“Give me all your fuckin’ money!”
“We don’t have any.”
“Chump,” Jellwagger could barely say. For some inexplicable reason, he needed his loyal companion here. Why hadn’t Chump E. Chips appeared yet? For once they had a real home invasion going on here. Didn’t dogs live for shit like this? “Chump…”
“’The fuck are you saying, weirdo?”
“…Chips.”
“Is he fucking asking for some chips?”
“He just wants his dog.”
“Is he going to butt-fuck his dog too?”
Jellwagger swallowed before yelling, “Chump!”
“Who are you calling a chump?”
“Chump E. Chips!” Jellwagger opened his tearing eyes in time to see his Beagle trotting out with his tongue lolling as if everything was hunky dory. “Chump.” But Chump trotted right past him, around Aaron, and into the kitchen. Jellwagger frowned at the unmistakable sounds of his dog munching kibble and lapping water.
Aaron laughed. “Guess the little guy was hungry. See how he’s not causing trouble? Learn from the furry little fucker, man. He’s smarter than you.”
Jellwagger glared at Chump E. Chips as the dog made to head back to the den.
“Hey Chump,” said Grace.
Chump stopped and looked up at Grace.
“You see him? He’s bad. He shouldn’t be here.” She leaned over and whispered, “He’s an intruder.”
Chump E. Chips snarled and lunged at Aaron’s feet and sank his fangs into the cuffs of the filthy, baggy jeans.
Aaron laughed like someone being tickled. “Look at this little shit. Isn’t he cute?”
As if spurred on by the taunt, Chump pulled away before sinking his maw at a slightly different angle.
“Hey! Watch it, fucker!”
Chump sprang up on his hind legs and clasped Aaron’s gun-toting hand in his mouth. The entire length of Chump’s jaws, which had never looked formidable to Jellwagger until that very moment, enclosed Aaron’s hand. Only the tops of his fingers and the muzzle were visible out the side.
Aaron screamed a bunch of profanity before dropping the pistol. Grace didn’t waste a minute in lunging for it, but Aaron kicked her in the face before she could get there. He shook off Chump E. Chips, snatched the pistol, and used it to whip the dog in the head. Chump squeaked and hurried back into the den.
“You fuck!” Jellwagger said. “You stupid fuck, I’ll…”
“What will you do?”
Grace rubbed her jaw to make sure it wasn’t broken. “You won’t get out of this alive,” she said.
“Oh is that right?”
“Just take what you want and leave,” Stefania said.
“Sure thing,” Aaron said. “As soon as you lead me to the money.”
Grace sat down at the table and calmly sipped her coffee.
“Not gonna be you, huh?” He jabbed his pistol at Stefania. “How ‘bout you?”
“I’ll do it,” Jellwagger said as he got to his feet. “He’ll never get away with this, you guys. His mom lives here.”
“I don’t exist to her so it doesn’t fucking matter what I do, does it?”
“And you think robbing other tenants will get you back on her good side?” Stefania said.
“Shut the fuck up and get me the money. Who’s it gonna be?”
“I said I’ll do it.” Jellwagger was now standing with his hands on his hips, considering Aaron like old people do the young. He knew the pose looked ridiculous in his birthday suit, but his head was pounding too much to care.
“No.” Grace set her macchiato down. “Let’s do rock paper scissors.”
“’The fuck?”
“Get over here, Jellwagger. Rock paper scissors.”
“That’s fair,” Stefania said.
“You serious?” Aaron said.
“Dude, if you have a better idea in your drug-addled brain, enlighten us.”
Jellwagger walked over as Stefania sat opposite Grace. They looked at him. “If I sit down, I might throw up. Come on.” He held out his fist. They followed suit. “Ready?”
“Oh this is gonna make my fuckin’ day,” Aaron said.
“One, two, go!” Jellwagger was paper.
Grace, rock.
Stefania, scissors.
“Tie,” Grace said.
“Weird that no two of us would have the same,” Stefania said.
“You think that’s weird?” Jellwagger said. “This whole fucking situation is beyond insane. I can’t believe this is happening.”
“The game doesn’t work with three people, assholes,” Aaron said.
“Again,” Jellwagger said. “One, two, go!” He kept his paper.
Grace was now scissors.
And Stefania was now paper.
“I beat both of you,” Grace said. “Now you two break the tie.”
“Ready, Jellwagger?” Stefania said.
“One, two, go!” Jellwagger maintained his paper.
Stefania reverted to the scissors. “I can’t believe you used paper every time,” she said with indignation. “Why didn’t you change to rock?”
“Whatever. Let’s go, Aaron.”
“Either of you bitches try anything, I put a bullet in this kat. Don’t even think I won’t.”
Jellwagger led him first to the den. Chump E. Chips was curled up in the far corner licking the tops of his paws. “You okay, Chump?”
“Fuck him. Where’s the dough?”
Jellwagger gave him the seventeen bucks in cash and the one and only credit card he had. It was maxed out, but Aaron didn’t need to know that. In the bedroom was Stefania’s tiny and no doubt very expensive tan and brown purse with a gold clasp. Jellwagger’s heart skipped a beat at all the dough in there, not to speak of the three platinum cards.
“Fuck yeah, baby.”
Jellwagger hated that he was doing this to Stefania, but if it kept Aaron happy in the meantime, that could only be a good thing. Grace’s satchel had a few bucks in it, buried under the sketch pads, pencils, and brushes.
“Where’s the plastic, you chink?” Aaron said when they came back out to the kitchen.
“I have one card and it’s maxed out,” she said.
“I know places where I could use it once before they get wise to the credit limit. Let me see it.”
“My parents took it.”
“That doesn’t make no fuckin’ sense.”
“What, that my parents care enough about me to make sure I don’t bankrupt myself?”
“Hey fuck you!” He pressed the gun to her temple.
“That won’t do anything,” Grace said.
“You have what you came for,” Jellwagger said. “Now how about getting the fuck out?”
“Where will you go?” Stefania said.
Aaron was about to answer when he frowned at Stefania. Then he smiled. “I saw what was in your purse, yo.”
She nodded at his jean pocket where he’d stuffed the money. “Obviously.”
“No, I mean your perfume. That tiny-ass gold bottle. And the purse itself. You’re a whore, aren’t you?”
“Pardon me?”
“You work at that one place, what is it?” He pressed the gun to his temple as he racked his brain. “Just Because!” He thrust the pistol at her with the words. “Just fucking Because. It’s a whorehouse in the Westside. You’re a fucking whore, man.”
“Escort,” Grace said.
“No wonder you don’t got no fuckin’ money,” he said to Jellwagger. “You gave it all to the whore. What, your maid doesn’t do it for you?” He smiled at Grace, who sipped her coffee and didn’t look at him.
“If you know who I work for, then surely you know the kinds of people I work with. And what they’ll do to you if anything happens to me. Or any of my friends.”
“I don’t give a fuck.”
“You see Jellwagger over there? He’s very close to Carla Houde.”
“’The fuck is that?”
“Proprietor of Just Because Services.”
“The head whore?”
“You should read the paper, Aaron,” Stefania said. “Carla’s one of the most powerful, influential women in the city. She even knows people in Sacramento. She is the very last person you want to piss off. And by hitting Jellwagger with our cap gun, you may as well be hitting her.”
Aaron looked ready to cuss her out some more but couldn’t seem to find the right mix of profanity to render her words any less threatening.
“You do realize what will happen after you leave, don’t you?” Stefania said.
He looked at Jellwagger, then back at her, still at a loss.
“Once you leave, I will be on the phone with Carla. Now what she’ll do is up to her. She might have you killed. She might have you taken to some warehouse and tortured. Beat up real good and left on some industrial side road with only the smokestacks to keep you company. Who can say?”
“Not if I fuckin’ paint your brains on that giant cock on the ceiling.” He stepped up to her and aimed the pistol between her eyes.
“Sure, you could kill me,” Stefania said, not missing a beat. “You’d have to kill them too of course. Could you do that? Think before you answer. Could you really kill just to provide for your ex-girlfriend and the daughter neither of you meant to have?”
“Whoa, whoa, what the fuck?”
“It was obvious to me as soon as you walked in that you were a father desperate to provide for his so-called family, but who had no other recourse than to break the law. And I could tell you’d have a girl because you’ve got X chromosome written all over you.”
Aaron could only frown. He was still aiming the pistol, but his arm had slackened a little. He gazed at Stefania as if she’d spouted another head.
“You said it yourself,” she said. “I’m a whore. And what does a whore do? She meets men. I’ve been in the business a long time. I’ve fucked all kinds. You’d be amazed at what they say afterward. All you want to do is go home, take a scolding hot shower, and crawl into bed for ten years. But you can’t do that with Just Because. You can’t do that. In this business.” She sipped her coffee.
Aaron’s arm slackened a little more. He no longer seemed aware he was holding a gun. Jellwagger itched to tackle the scrawny son of a bitch, but somehow Stefania, from the modest perch of Jellwagger’s rickety kitchen chair, had taken control of the situation.
“I fucked a kid who looked kind of like you. Yeah, he was a kid. I had to ask for ID. He was shaking, having cold feet. Man, if I had a nickel for every pair of cold feet. He came in two seconds, of course. Kind of like the first time I did Jellwagger.”
“Hey, TMI,” our man said.
“And then afterward he just goes on and on. I couldn’t shut the kid up. He had a girlfriend. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to marry her. But whoops, too late now. He’d gone and got her pregnant. How he kept his cock in long enough to come is beyond me. He barely had it in me at all. Just like the first time with Jellwagger.”
“Hey!”
“He’s asking me for advice. We’re talking life-changing decisions here. It’s amazing. Part of the reason I quit being a nun was because I was sick and tired of people thinking I had all the answers. I was supposed to be closer to God, which meant I must have some wisdom untapped by most of humanity. What bullshit. I don’t know what you’d do. How about not getting yourself into such a ridiculous situation? That’s kind of how I pegged you. If it weren’t for the whole hoodlum thing, you’d be pretty damned cute. Girls no doubt vied for you in high school. You picked the one with the cutest ass and knocked her up. Am I right?”
Jellwagger wasn’t sure if Aaron even knew he was lowering the gun. The punk seemed transfixed by Stefania now. Grace looked at Jellwagger. He could only shake his head.
“Please don’t tell me she lives in this building,” Stefania said. She sipped her coffee. “Hello? Where is the mother of your child, Aaron?”
“Lancaster.”
“So there’s no chance she’ll accidentally show up to see how you’re making a complete douche bag of yourself. I suppose that’s something.”
“You were really a nun?”
“It’s not as different from being an escort as it sounds, kiddo. You live and work in a world completely separate from the rest of mainstream society. And maybe it’s because of that that people think nuns and escorts know everything. It’s not like we’re going to blabber about it to people they know, so what’s the harm in confiding your deepest and darkest secrets?” She sipped her coffee and smiled. “Good. You’re coming back down now.”
“Down from what?” Jellwagger said.
“This kid is strung up on coke. Higher than a telephone wire. I’ve fucked guys while they were on coke. You can fuck them as hard as you want, it won’t bring them down. You just have to talk to them. I don’t know, maybe it’s my voice.”
“Why’d you become a nun?” Aaron asked.
“Why’d you barge in here with a gun? Hell if I know.” Stefania finished off her coffee and smacked her lips. “While you’ve come down, kiddo, I’ve gone up. There’s nothing like a black eye. Actually I’m not wired. This just levels the playing field.” She sighed and looked at Jellwagger and Grace. “You mind if they get dressed now?”
“Aren’t you gonna call the cops?” Aaron asked.
“Think about that question. Why would I, of all people, want to call the police?”
Aaron grunted a laugh and sort of smiled. “Oh yeah.”
“And how about giving our money back?”
Aaron made to reach into his pocket, then stopped and frowned. “Could I keep some of it? Seriously, I want to take my girl to dinner. I’ve been promising her for months.”
“That means you’ll need money for a babysitter too.”
“Her mom babysits. Come on. Please?”
“Would you shoot me if I said no? Aaron, money isn’t the answer. It’s your paper moon.”
“My what?”
“It’s the paper moon for a lot of people. Your girl doesn’t want you to buy her fancy dresses and take her to fancy restaurants. She wants you to be there. Every day. Go get a job. And when you leave the job, go home to her and your daughter. I’m guessing your daughter’s almost in kindergarten, right?”
He hesitated, then nodded.
“Which means more money for school. Even if it’s a public school, you’ve still got back to school shopping, a computer, all that stuff.”
“But I can’t—”
“Bullshit! Helen Keller could, and she was blind and deaf. What’s your excuse? Now come on. Go get your skinny ass a job. And pull your pants up. Come on, part of being a man is looking and acting like a man. I swear, if you didn’t have a girl to go home to, I’d fuck your brains out and make you a man myself.”
“Yes, mistress.”
“Oh shut the fuck up. Mistress? You’re one of those? There’s no guarantee it would work anyway. I’ve fucked Jellwagger a few times. Look at him.”
“God damn it,” Jellwagger said. “Combined with getting caught butt-fucking Grace, this day is totally shot.”
Grace giggled. “Nice pun.”
“Fuck off.”
“You’re on a roll!”
“Okay get out of here, Aaron.”
“It’ll take time to find a job. I tried before.”
“Have you tried rehab yet? You need to get cleaned up first. And then get your ass a job. Don’t worry if it’s menial. You’ll bust your ass and work your way up and suffer it all for your family. Because you’d do anything for them.”
Aaron looked down at his feet. Then he looked at the walls and nothing much else in particular. Finally his eyes landed on Jellwagger. “Hey, man. You all right?”
“Do you really want me to answer that?”
“Sorry about hitting you. If you want to go get dressed and cover up junior there.” He gestured at Jellwagger’s dick with the pistol and couldn’t help laughing. “Oh my God, Stefania, you’re right.” He and Stefania laughed their asses off.
“Hey fuck you both!” Jellwagger said.
Grace slapped his arm. “They’re just teasing.”
“Seriously, man,” Aaron said when he finally recovered. He gestured at Jellwagger with the gun again. “If you want—”
The gun went off.
Luckily for our favorite Jellwagger, Aaron had shifted the muzzle a couple inches just before accidentally pulling the trigger. Otherwise Jellwagger’s cock would’ve been blown off. But come on, his luck wasn’t that abysmal. No, instead the bullet landed in the meat of his thigh. No veins, arteries, muscles, or bones were damaged. In a sense this Jellwagger was one lucky bastard.
It was hard for him to see that now, though, of course. First Jellwagger’s brain had to process the fact that the firecracker sound he’d just heard had indeed been a gunshot. He saw the blood pour from his thigh well before he felt anything, but as if to make up for it, his nerves communicated in overdrive. It felt like a Southern California brush fire was consuming his entire leg from within. He tried to scream, but nothing came out. The pain was far too excruciating for a mere scream.
The last thing Jellwagger saw before the world spun into oblivion was Aaron drop the gun and make for the sliding door.
To be continued...
